A Politically Correct Thanksgiving
Governor William Bradford, a devout Christian who came to America aboard the
Mayflower, initiated the first celebration of Thanksgiving at the “Plymouth plantation” in what is now Massachusetts. Since Governor Bradford, and indeed the majority of America’s European founders, failed to grasp the concept of “separation of church and state,” their history needs to be revised in order to remain
more palatable to modern public discourse. In the spirit of liberal activism, I submit this bit of satire for your holiday: a politically correct Thanksgiving.
A long time ago, there lived some religious fanatics in England and Holland. Their right-wing zealotry required the more enlightened people to reject their hate speech, so these separatists, who hid behind the hypocritical label of “puritans,” fled across the Atlantic in an attempt to spread their bigotry to the pristine wilderness of the Native Americans.
After a long and difficult journey across the great ocean, which must have reminded these so-called “pilgrims” how small and insignificant they really were, they landed at Plymouth Rock in the greatest state in the nation – the home of the Kennedy family and gay marriage.
The leader of this band of mishaps, the self-proclaimed “Governor” William Bradford, forced the people to participate in superstitious religious activities upon their arrival. “Being thus arrived in a good harbor, and brought safe to land,” this barely-literate man wrote in Of Plymouth Plantation, “they fell upon their knees and blessed the God of Heaven who had brought them over the vast and furious ocean, and delivered them from all the perils and miseries thereof, again to set their feet on the firm and stable earth…”
Fortunately, these ignorant extremists had their numbers cut in half during the first winter as the Darwinian principle of the survival of the fittest demonstrated just how unfit these people were. The next spring, Native Americans, led by the great Squanto, saved the rest of the fanatics from certain doom by teaching them how to grow corn, tap maple trees for syrup, and rely on naturally occurring medicines instead of their ridiculous prayers.
In the autumn of that year, there was so much food that the pilgrims felt obligated to pay some token gesture to the “savages,” so they held a feast of Thanksgiving to the Native Americans and played games – no doubt an early form of football.
Over 150 years later, Samuel Adams wrote on behalf of the Continental Congress that a day would be set aside for “solemn thanksgiving and praise, that with one heart and one voice the good people may express the grateful feeling of their hearts and consecrate themselves to the service of their Divine Benefactor…”
Despite Adams’ blatant abuse of his position as a public servant, Americans have managed to effectively secularize the holiday and restore Thanksgiving to its true heritage as a gluttonous feast.
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